Jack Vettriano Ritual of CourtshipJack Vettriano Right XJack Vettriano Right Time, Right PlaceJack Vettriano Queen of the WaltzerJack Vettriano Private DancerOnce I got my dizziness under control, I looked up and noticed It. Oh no. Oh hell no. It can’t be. Staring back at me was utter perfection, utter Elven perfection. This could only mean one thing. “Do you have any idea where we are?” I asked her.
I assumed I was in Middle-Earth. It was either that or something like Dungeons & Dragons. And I was seriously hoping it was the former because I knew next to nothing about the latter. At least nothing I was willing to admit. Seeing as she was an elf, I figured we were in one of the Elven realms (if we were in Middle-Earth at all) but I had no idea which one. It’s been awhile since I read the books and God knows if you can trust the movies. Let’s just say Peter Jackson took some liberties.
“Duh, we’re in Middle-Earth,” she replied. True, but not exactly what I was looking for. Let’s try this again.
“More specificallyGod. “You’re an elf right?” She just rolled her eyes and nodded. Jeez, no need to get sassy. “Ok, so where do you hail from- Mirkwood, Imladris or Lothlorien?”“I’m not from here, I’m from the United States of America” she cried, clearly frustrated at my lack of understanding.And to be honest I was getting quite frustrated as well. I mean what the hell? She’s got pointy ears, how the hell can she not be from Middle-Earth? Then I noticed her dress. It was white, simple, and at first glance looked like something an Elf would wear. But when I took a closer look, it seemed really familiar. It looked like a summer dress I had seen at the mall earlier that day. No, that's impossible. It's just a coincidence. She's an elf; there is no way she could be from Earth. Right? This makes no sense. I could feel myself becoming incredibly uncomfortable with the whole situation which did nothing to improve my mood.“How is that possible? Last time I checked there weren’t any Elves in the United States.” My frustration must have come through in my voice, and I’m pretty sure that came out more sarcastic than was probably necessary because all of a sudden her eyes narrowed and her voice had an edge to it that wasn’t there a second ago.“I don’t know, you tell me,” she sneered.Alright, I was starting to get really pissed. “What the hell is that supposed …?”
“Um, a forest.”
Nothing gets by her, does it? Let’s try this one more time. You know what they say, third time’s a charm. Hell, I’ll even give her a hint.
“I was wondering if you knew what region we are in.”
“Uh…”
Oh, for the love of to mean?”
“Feel your ears.”
As I brought my hand up my ear, I instantly started contradicting her statement. “Look, I’m a human. If I were an elf I’d know it. You don’t just switch species and not realize it.” It was at this point that the fact that I was feeling a